thoughts on success...

“You should give this up.” Over and over, the voice of reason whispers to me.

But this voice is not my own. 

Because if I were to listen to reason, I would have given it all up a long time ago.

Because “it” meant using the office copier when no one was watching to print out educational pdfs that I would read on my lunchbreak. Crammed into the cramped passenger seat of my car, knees on the dashboard and a binder open on my stomach, highlighter in hand and colored pens within arms reach on the driver's seat. I’d devour the material, marking up the margins and scribbling down ideas as quickly as possible before they had a chance to escape. I’d read about photography techniques, posing techniques, the business of photography, the business of business, how to create a better website, how to brand yourself, how to be successful, how to, how to, how to. 

“It” meant that at 5:00pm M-F, I’d leave my office job to drive 45 minutes to get home, stopping for take-out on the way. (The people at El Pollo Loco came to recognize me and had my order waiting before I’d even asked.)

“It” meant that by 7:00 each evening I’d be sitting at my home computer in my jammies. And I’d stay there till midnight or so…  editing images from a recent photo session, sending emails to any new client I needed to coordinate with, updating my blog, updating my website, creating new marketing materials, or taking action on whatever I’d learned that afternoon on my lunch break.

“It” meant that if I was LUCKY that week, I’d have a photo session lined up for the weekend. Which meant that I’d drive over an hour to meet my clients on-location… a beach, a park, their home, their office. And we’d spend an hour or two together, capturing photos, before I’d head back to my car to drive the hour or so back home.

“It” meant that I’d be physically exhausted. Mentally exhausted. But also exhilarated beyond belief.

Because sometimes I feel MOST like myself with the camera in my hand. Seeing depth in the details that others seem to be oblivious to, and capturing photos so people ARE able to see the magic that’s already right there inside of them.

I get to show them how beautiful they actually are. Not through the heavy use of filters or perfect editing skills or even through the art of posing. No... I get to show them that they are REALLY beautiful. In real life. Without any tricks of the light.

I get to capture the deepest emotions ever felt. And with one click of my shutter button I get to gift it to them as a memory to be revisited again and again.

I get to witness those moments of absolute LOVE and JOY that comes through the purity of a little boy running at full speed to hug his mom tightly while unabashedly saying “I LOVE YOU.”

I get to witness a husband and wife communicating in a love language that isn’t forgotten, but lying dormant just beneath the surface. A gentle touch of his fingertips, brushing windblown hair from her forehead, gazing deeply into her eyes and smiling… as if truly seeing HER again after a long time apart, and saying “there you are.”

I get to witness an entrepreneur fall in love with their business all over again, showing off pieces of what it is they do with as much pride and joy as a new mother would show off their newborn child. 

And I get to witness a person falling in love with themSELF, too. Nervously peeking at the back of my camera to see what has been captured so far… letting out the breath they’d unconsciously been holding and turning to me with a wondrous smile as they ask, “that’s ME?” And I swear, it’s as if that person grows two inches taller right before my eyes… their confidence in how they carry themself so much more apparent the next time my camera is lifted.

Because “IT” is this. All of this. 

And this is why I continued to do “it” over all these years. 

IT’S why I dedicated any free time to building my business, growing my craft, and capturing these stories, even when the voice of reason grew louder in my ear. 

Even when I added up all that time and realized I was being paid less than a fast-food worker, even while spending thousands of dollars on self-education.  

Even when concerned friends and family tried to talk me out of it. 

Even when I cried myself to sleep… wondering if it was all worth it, wondering if I should listen to what others were saying, wondering if I’d ever make enough money to be able to support myself with it.

And even when I dragged myself out of bed each Monday morning at 6:00am, preparing for another grueling week ahead.

Even after getting a studio and getting close to “success”… only to have to give it up when I moved far away.

Even after that faraway move that forced me to start over in a brand new place… baby-stepping my way to building up trust, my reputation, and return clients. 

And yes, even after I’d finally reached the “success” of becoming a full-time photographer after all those grueling years… only to have COVID-19 force me to stop working altogether.

Even still.

Even on a day like today, when the voice of reason grows ever-louder.   

My answer still remains the same. 

Because even with the constant stress and struggle, I find too much joy and PURPOSE in what I do to ever give it up.

So when the voice of reason comes to whisper in my ear… asking me to give it up, demanding that I give it up... 

I fill my body with all the joy and purpose and love that I get from my craft, letting that feeling swirl inside of me, filling my heart and lungs with the breath of life and creation itself. And I smile softly but firmly. Knowingly. 

Then I gaze in the direction of the voice and whisper my reply... 

Never.

_________

To my fellow creatives…  I know I’m NOT alone in feeling this way.

These words came to me after reading the “SUCCESS” section of the PERSISTENCE chapter inside of BIG MAGIC, a book by Elizabeth Gilbert. The words leapt from the pages and went straight to my heart (as good books tend to do).  If you haven’t read it yet, I highly recommend doing so. RIGHT NOW. Because sometimes we all need that little nudge to keep doing our life’s work + play.

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